Wednesday, April 18, 2012

from joy to despair- and hopefully back again.

January 2012-after talking about having just one more baby for about 3 seconds we decided to start "trying" February 15th- "There is no try, only do" positive pregnancy test!!
February 22nd- first doctors appointment, everything was perfect: due date October 13th 2012
February 25th- before telling grandparents and other family we told our boys Moses (age 4) jaw dropped open, he gasped and then yelled "I WANT TO NAME HER SPIDER-MAN!"
March 21st- ultrasound appointment!! i brought along the hubby and both big brothers and we met our "baby spider-man"

11 week ultrasound where we saw and heard out baby's heartbeat:

even while fighting the normal morning sickness and fatigue we're were always on the go, birthdays, school events, work, normal life.
during spring break on our last "normal" weekend we took our kids with their bikes and just started driving, we headed towards the mountains and found a great place to ride bikes in the sun. it was a good day!

a quick self timer family picture in the mountains:

then our week went on as normal back to school, work and life. 

April 12th- after my weekly costco shopping trip it happened. i started bleeding. BADLY.

if there was "good" time for it to happen it was then. my 15 & 13 year old nieces were at my house after school as usual so i rushed out of the bathroom said quietly (so not to startle Moses) "i need to leave, i'll call Grammy she'll be here soon" and i RAN out the door, jumped in the car and drove the quick 3 blocks to the ER-blah, blah, blah-an hour later alone (Jake was on his way) in a small dark room with an unfriendly ultrasound tech she turned the screen toward me and said "this is your baby's tummy, there's no heartbeat. do you understand?" i just cried i wanted to yell "UNDERSTAND?! NO!! YOU'RE TELLING ME MY BABY IS DEAD!!!" but i just cried and blubbered that i wanted my husband.
back in my ER room he was waiting for me. on the way in the nurse had said to me "we've told him what is going on." so when i got in the room i just cried and said "i'm sorry" he fought back tears for a few minuets and then said "do they know anything for sure yet?" i was so stunned i almost didn't know how to respond. i thought he knew! so i broke the news-and watched my husbands heart break right in front of my eyes.
my (amazing) OB finally got there came in prayed with us, answered our questions, told us what to expect next and then went off to go look at the ultrasound pictures to see if he could see anything. just before we were ready to leave he popped back in to tell us that the baby only measured at 12 week size which means that it had probably been dead for two weeks. *again, i wanted to yell "TWO FLIPPING WEEKS?!?!? HOW DID I NOT KNOW?!?" but i just cried again. i was sent home with medicine to help the "natural" process.
we got home. sat down with our boys and jake broke the news. moses didn't understand and is still trying to figure it out. but it didn't take long for Solomon (age 9) to figure out what dad was saying and he immediately started sobbing. and my heart broke for the third time in one day.
then we just sat and waited for something to happen. i was so scared to start taking the pills to help pretty much induce labor, i was terrified for the next step in this nightmare and that night as we watched a movie together as a family i felt like one of those penguins on those documentaries where there egg doesn't hatch but they just sit there and wait for a baby to come out. that's how i felt- i was sitting on a defective egg.
April 13th- over 24 hours after the nightmare began i was on my way to my doctors office to get everything out. i had no idea what that would mean or how it would happen.
what ended up happening was the worst pain of my life and when it was over he left my husband and i in the room together for a few minuets the pain still radiated and we cried together & prayed and he said a few names i turned down the first two he said and then he said Naomi and just shook my head. he said "ok, just Naomi, no middle name" i said "Eve. only weird people don't have middle names" (no offence if you or your children don't have middle names) so there it was 6 months from the day she was suppose to join us, we named our baby Naomi Eve and she was safe in the arms of Jesus.

we have no answers for why this happened. after two weeks-it was hard to tell what happened to our little babe. so we just have to trust that God has a plan and try to heal. today is the first day i have not cried (although i did tear up pretty good while writing this) today i feel like we just might make it. i know there will be more bad days. but today is a good day.


  1. Oh Becki, I am so sorry. I walked a very similar road with our first baby, 7 years ago. Almost same kinda time line and everything. I was 13 weeks along, and went in for a routine appointment, and there was no heartbeat. I too, was told it looked as if the baby had passed 2 weeks before.

    Every pain is individual. And we all mourn differently. And it will get better...embrace those good days when they roll around. And when the sucky ones rear their ugly little heads, embrace those ones too. You gotta let those tears fall...

    Praying for you as you walk this very difficult road.

  2. Definitely made this chick tear up. I'm so sorry you had to go through anything like this. I love you guys with all my heart. And I still am praying for you daily. I still adore the name Naomi Eve. I wish there was better words, words of comfort. But yet again there is nothing that would be of any use when you lose a baby or child especially. I love you Beckers and I'm sorry. Love your, D/S/BFF.