Wednesday, December 5, 2012

the journey

so this is a post that i've been writing for just over 2 months. it has become like a bit of a journal for me. but now that all of our family and close friends know & i let out our little secret on facebook today i decided it was time to finally post this. it's a bit boring, but i know i'll love reading it in the future. enjoy.

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September 25th 2012.
my period is a whole day late (VERY unusual for me) so, of course, i think i'm pregnant. i have only taken 3 pregnancy tests in my whole life and they were all positive. i'm terrified of taking a negative test...i'm not sure why.

i will probably take a test tomorrow when me and the hubby are home alone (that is, if nothing starts by then) hubby doesn't know that i'm late yet. so this might be fun or it might be disappointing. we'll see.

 i decided to write all about this and not post it yet just so i can look back and remember.

 September 26th 2012.
 i did the pregnancy test this morning. i was going to wait until after we dropped the boys off at school but i REALLY needed to go potty. so i went ahead and did it and then when we got back home i told jake. like me, he has been suspecting.

oh, the results? positive! as usual, it took all of 15 seconds for the test to show a nice strong positive sign.

once i told jake we celebrated and then prayed like crazy. i will pray for this baby like i have never prayed before.

 i'm so excited. and slightly terrified.

September 28th 2012.
spent half the day with a close friend and the other half of the day with my mom and now i know just how hard it's going to be to keep this to myself for 7 (or more) weeks :/

September 29th 2012.
i have been surprisingly NOT emotional so far...until i was looking back to april on my facebook & blog . reading about my last baby makes me a bit weepy. i miss her. this one is in no way a "replacement" for her. i will not ever forget her. the love we have/had for her. the pain we went through in losing her. i just miss her and we haven't even reached the due date yet.

i'm very hopeful for this pregnancy. i truly feel that a bad fall i took at 12 weeks in my last pregnancy is most likely what caused the miscarriage. so i am keeping both feet firmly on the ground this time around and am really hoping for full term healthy baby!!

September 30th 2012.
i have had super high anxiety for the past 2 days. i am slightly freaking out because i have no symptoms (so far)  almost NO nausea and no sore boobs. it's very nerve wracking to me. i had trouble sleeping last night. i know i need to relax but i just can't seem to.

October 1st 2012.
i just learned that i am expecting a "rainbow baby" (definition: is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.) i am hopeful that we will get our rainbow and not another storm!
side note: as of yesterday i am at 5 weeks.

October 2nd 2012.
i was a tiny bit nauseous today! YAY!

October 3rd 2012.
not talking to anyone (except jake) about this is hard! i'm having a very emotional night and since he works till midnight i'm feeling very alone right now. i guess i should chalk this up at a symptom and enjoy it as much as i have been enjoying my nausea.

October 8th 2012.
i hit the 6 week mark yesterday and the morning sickness is defiantly here and it is no joke. but i still find joy in it!!

October 14th 2012.
7 weeks today. this is getting so hard to hide, mainly because i always feel sick! keeping this a secret from friends and family is so difficult. i've been spending a lot of time with my sister and ,as always, my mom.

October 15th 2012.
constipation is killing me. this might be too much information. but it is a fact.

October 19th 2012.
i feel yucky 24 hours a day. always feeling sick & always tired. it makes it hard to keep my secret but it is still secret...for the most part. in the beginning jake wanted to keep it a secret till we were at 15 weeks...YEAH RIGHT. that would be physically impossible for me! but we're barely at 8 weeks and he's dropping hints to the boys and he had this look in his eye the last time we saw his parents i thought for sure he was going to tell them right then and there!! we'll see if we can make it 12 weeks...highly unlikely.

October 24th 2012.
8 weeks 3 days: had our first dr. appointment yesterday & it was great! everything is right on track and the dr. even did a quick ultrasound so we could check on our little baby. we saw what looked like a perfect gummy bear, a strong heartbeat and even a little swimming action! even though we would normally go in every 4 weeks at this stage the dr is having us come back every 2 weeks until we all feel like we're out of the woods. so in 2 weeks i get HEAR this strong little heartbeat! then to finish off our appointment my [AMAZING] dr. asked to pray with us. i love that man!

October 27th.
we told the boys yesterday solomon said "yessss, i knew it!" and moses was like "oh yeah, moms baby in her tummy" like he already knew too. can't get anything past these boys!

November 2nd.
 9 weeks 6 days: my morning sickness has been constant all day. ALL. DAY. i am thankful for this gauge that tells me everything is "normal" but i just feel like a pathetic puddle of yuckiness. moses has taken it upon himself to forgo bed time to take care of me and has decided that i have had too much sugar and that i need water. what a sweet boy!

November 6th.
10 weeks 2 days. we had our second doctors appointment this morning and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. it was perfect. again, my doctor was cautiously [very] optimistic, he prayed with us again and asked me to come back in two weeks and we'll take another peek.

November 13th.
11 weeks 2 days. nothing new. been sick and trying to stay out of trouble. we're hoping to announce to family on thanksgiving.

November 20th.
12 weeks 2 days. had another dr. appointment today and we got to hear and see our little baby again!! it took a while (seemed like FOREVER) to find the heartbeat & then there was little clomp, clomp, clomp loud and strong and then we got to have a peek at our little babe
here is baby breece #4
 i am feeling confident that we'll get to bring this one home!! i am feeling blessed and thankful today.

November 26th.
13 weeks 1 day!! we told almost all of our family last week and their responses were better than i imagined! it's so nice to have it out in the open. i will probably wait till next week to post this and tell the world of facebook.
i'm feeling so much better these days. although i didn't get enough sleep yesterday which made for a very nauseous day (but it was a nice reminder that everything is on track!)
at the end of this week jake starts a new job and new schedule and our lives will be turned upside down for a little while while we adjust. praying it all goes smoothly!

December 4th.
14 weeks 2 days. i truly feel like i'm out of the woods! i had another appointment today and my dr. agrees. i've been going in every 2 weeks and today we decided that my next appointment will be in 4 weeks because we feel comfortable enough that this baby is here to stay. we got to hear a nice strong heartbeat (140-145 beats per minute) and it was just a nice easy visit.
ALL of our family knows now and a lot of friends...good thing too cause i'm already showing (thats the trouble with not ever losing "baby weight" AND having a lot of stretch belly remembers EXACTLY what to do and it does it fast!)

Monday, October 15, 2012

one in four is a crazy number.

"Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today we remember the babies who were born sleeping, the ones we carried but never met, those we held but could not bring home, and the ones who came home but couldn't stay. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage/loss in their lives. Please remember those who have loved and lost."

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in honor of today. here is my little gummy bear-the one i carried and never met.

(also, my new necklace from my sweet friend- an "N" for Naomi, an october birthstone for the month she was suppose to come & an angle wing for my angle baby. thanks ash!)

Saturday, October 13, 2012

October 13th 2012

Today was my due date. But instead I'm still mourning her loss. 6 months is a long time bit I still miss her. Its a hard thing to explain. Things have been easier lately but I still have sad days. There are still babies being born all around me. Its a good reminder that all hope is not lost. I'll have another chance.

Thanks for the prayers.

Friday, September 7, 2012

note to self:

Hurt feeling are never an excuse to run your mouth (or text) I just hurt my dear friend (who, I should add, just gave birth 24 hrs ago) by sending a mindless text to the wrong number. Yes I'm wounded and over emotional still. But that is NO excuse. I'm mortified.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

a new season

fall is (pretty much) here. school has starting and everything crazy that goes along with that and i am entering into a season that i would rather skip this year. the time is closing in when everyone who was pregnant with me will have their sweet bundles of joy. i feel stuck. of course i am happy for all of them but that doesn't make it any easier on me and my wounded heart. when i think of where i should be right now-preparing for baby, setting up a nursery, shopping, planning-my normal everyday routine just seems so dull and pointless.

i have a feeling the next three months will be as hard as the first three.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


day one on the alien plant known as "home alone with no kids, no husband"
1:00- jake left for work.
1:01- sat on the couch with my laptop to watch tv.
2:30- bored. shower. get dressed
3:00- ready to cry & feeling so lonely that i'm getting ready to leave the house and go wander around target.
3:05- so over this. heading to grandma's to see my boys ASAP tomorrow.
the end

Saturday, August 18, 2012

another downer post.

yeah, yeah. i know. my blog is just one bummer post after another these days. but it's very therapeutic for me to write things down so that i can read them later. so this is mostly for me. i've been pretty bummed out lately. the prospects of school starting and me going back to work (for the 1st time in almost 5 months) has got me totally bummed out. i will miss my kids like crazy!! moses will only be in half day kindergarten but he's like my best friend, we do everything together!! it's been such a great summer spending every minute with my monsters i don't really want it to end. this week they go to their grandmas for the week....that's right a WHOLE WEEK. most moms would be thrilled...and i know i will enjoy the first day...maybe two and then i will probably make a trip to grandmas myself and spend the rest of the week with them. OH and i'm planning a baby shower. i'm having fun doing it & i wouldn't want anyone else to do for this particular friend, it just brings up feelings out of nowhere. her and i were suppose to be on this journey together, but my trip got cut short. i am so thankful for her healthy pregnancy, just bummed at my failed one. i am healing. emotionally & physically. yes, still having a few issues. when these issues arise it turns me into a crazy person. i hate the reminder of what happened and that i'm not back to "normal" yet. lets just say that my husband deserves the "husband of the year award" he has put up with so much crazy while dealing with his own feelings. so, to sum things up. i am grateful for my boys, my husband & anxiously awaiting the arrival of baby chloe. keep praying for me. thanks

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

a bit brused

Today I had my first awkward encounter with someone who thought I was still pregnant....1st of all I know I have some weight to lose but I do NOT look the 6 months pregnant that I am suppose to be and 2nd OUCH. First I felt bad for her in the awkward moment but as it sank in on the way home I realized it hurt me a lot more.I just want to crawl in bed and stay here for the rest of the day.

Friday, July 13, 2012

I should be 6 months pregnant today. But I'm not.
(My three babies)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


I feel a bit crazy these days. With wavesi of emotions mixed withsome the cercumstances of life. I have much fewer bad days. But then things sneek up on me and I feel like I was hit by a huge wave that I didn't see coming. I just still need prayer. Lots of prayer.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

wedding maddness

my bff Rose is marring her "stud of a man" this weekend so.....
i've been a busy bee this week... mainly because i've put off things i've been needing to get done. so this week i got busy and have been crafting my little heart out. all of these are ideas inspired (*stolen*) from pintrest. so here they are!

cake topper.

ring bearer sign:

and guest "book"
each guest signs a leaf
(this thing is 24x30inches so it's bigger than it looks)

now i have the next two days to make 200 cupcakes and frosting :) i'll post lots of picture after the wedding. i'm just so happy to have all of these things done!!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


just in case you were worried... i don't spend every waking moment being sad that i lost my baby. although i do still think about it everyday and am still grieving that loss.

i have two boys to take care of and enjoy. i still do "normal" things like iron pillow cases while watching the boys play in the back yard.
some days (like today) i still want to crawl in bed and stay there. forever. it has been almost 8 weeks. i'm still recovering emotionally and (unfortunately) physically. i'm so grateful for my sweet little boys (even though they are testing my patience today) i love and adore them and i would be totally lost without them right now. today is just hard.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

well said:

"So often people get excited when they hear that you're expecting but then when they hear that you lose the baby they just don't know what to say -- they're afraid to say anything because they don't want to upset you. But at the same time, by not saying something, that hurts too because you think this was a person I was looking forward to having in my life, and now everybody's just acting like nothing happened. And it's a really hard thing to go through." -Michelle Duggar from Healing the Family After a Miscarriage

Friday, April 27, 2012

2 weeks

somehow 2 whole weeks have gone by since my nightmare began.

i cry less but hurt just the same.

all of the beautiful flowers people have sent are now dead.


this week i have had good and bad distractions. like jake being home for three days straight, good. solomon home with horribly swollen, infected tonsils, bad. in about two week i'll be stressing over my first born going in for (a very routine but still scary) surgery to remove nasty tonsils.

i am feeling a bit overwhelmed tonight.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

whats in a name?

on saturday i spent most of my day in bed. with my kindle by my side i decided i would research the name we gave our baby. Naomi Eve. it was pretty much right off the top of our heads and decision made in the depths of our grief and pain.

so i looked up the meaning of both names



Beautiful. Life. yes. her life was beautiful for the 3 months she swam around my belly. i enjoyed every nauseous second of it. my husband loved her already. my boys were already preparing to be big brothers. she was loved and her short life was beautiful.

i then went on to read the story of Naomi in the Bible. she was a beautiful woman who had it all a husband and two sons but they all died and when she traveled back to her hometown with just her one daughter-in-law someone said to her "hey is that you Naomi?"

"But she said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.  I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?” (Ruth 1:20-21 ESV)

wow. that kind of struck me. "the Almighty had dealt very bitterly with me" "the Almighty has afflicted me" not that i think the Lord dealt bitterly to my baby. but on saturday as i lay in bed with horrible crampy from what i endured the day before i felt like i had been dealt with bitterly. not saying that my experience will make me bitter-just that in the moment i felt like changing my name to Mara!!

the Lord showed me that we didn't pick this name for our baby but that He lead us to it.

*side note: when jake told moses what we named the baby he was a bit put off he said "HEY! i already named her "baby spider-man"!!" i told him he could still call her that.*

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

from joy to despair- and hopefully back again.

January 2012-after talking about having just one more baby for about 3 seconds we decided to start "trying" February 15th- "There is no try, only do" positive pregnancy test!!
February 22nd- first doctors appointment, everything was perfect: due date October 13th 2012
February 25th- before telling grandparents and other family we told our boys Moses (age 4) jaw dropped open, he gasped and then yelled "I WANT TO NAME HER SPIDER-MAN!"
March 21st- ultrasound appointment!! i brought along the hubby and both big brothers and we met our "baby spider-man"

11 week ultrasound where we saw and heard out baby's heartbeat:

even while fighting the normal morning sickness and fatigue we're were always on the go, birthdays, school events, work, normal life.
during spring break on our last "normal" weekend we took our kids with their bikes and just started driving, we headed towards the mountains and found a great place to ride bikes in the sun. it was a good day!

a quick self timer family picture in the mountains:

then our week went on as normal back to school, work and life. 

April 12th- after my weekly costco shopping trip it happened. i started bleeding. BADLY.

if there was "good" time for it to happen it was then. my 15 & 13 year old nieces were at my house after school as usual so i rushed out of the bathroom said quietly (so not to startle Moses) "i need to leave, i'll call Grammy she'll be here soon" and i RAN out the door, jumped in the car and drove the quick 3 blocks to the ER-blah, blah, blah-an hour later alone (Jake was on his way) in a small dark room with an unfriendly ultrasound tech she turned the screen toward me and said "this is your baby's tummy, there's no heartbeat. do you understand?" i just cried i wanted to yell "UNDERSTAND?! NO!! YOU'RE TELLING ME MY BABY IS DEAD!!!" but i just cried and blubbered that i wanted my husband.
back in my ER room he was waiting for me. on the way in the nurse had said to me "we've told him what is going on." so when i got in the room i just cried and said "i'm sorry" he fought back tears for a few minuets and then said "do they know anything for sure yet?" i was so stunned i almost didn't know how to respond. i thought he knew! so i broke the news-and watched my husbands heart break right in front of my eyes.
my (amazing) OB finally got there came in prayed with us, answered our questions, told us what to expect next and then went off to go look at the ultrasound pictures to see if he could see anything. just before we were ready to leave he popped back in to tell us that the baby only measured at 12 week size which means that it had probably been dead for two weeks. *again, i wanted to yell "TWO FLIPPING WEEKS?!?!? HOW DID I NOT KNOW?!?" but i just cried again. i was sent home with medicine to help the "natural" process.
we got home. sat down with our boys and jake broke the news. moses didn't understand and is still trying to figure it out. but it didn't take long for Solomon (age 9) to figure out what dad was saying and he immediately started sobbing. and my heart broke for the third time in one day.
then we just sat and waited for something to happen. i was so scared to start taking the pills to help pretty much induce labor, i was terrified for the next step in this nightmare and that night as we watched a movie together as a family i felt like one of those penguins on those documentaries where there egg doesn't hatch but they just sit there and wait for a baby to come out. that's how i felt- i was sitting on a defective egg.
April 13th- over 24 hours after the nightmare began i was on my way to my doctors office to get everything out. i had no idea what that would mean or how it would happen.
what ended up happening was the worst pain of my life and when it was over he left my husband and i in the room together for a few minuets the pain still radiated and we cried together & prayed and he said a few names i turned down the first two he said and then he said Naomi and just shook my head. he said "ok, just Naomi, no middle name" i said "Eve. only weird people don't have middle names" (no offence if you or your children don't have middle names) so there it was 6 months from the day she was suppose to join us, we named our baby Naomi Eve and she was safe in the arms of Jesus.

we have no answers for why this happened. after two weeks-it was hard to tell what happened to our little babe. so we just have to trust that God has a plan and try to heal. today is the first day i have not cried (although i did tear up pretty good while writing this) today i feel like we just might make it. i know there will be more bad days. but today is a good day.